Day and Night

Making it in the sunlight
Making it in the moonlight
You and I are in one dimension
Surely this isn't an illusion

I see the world's treasures in you

My eyes open as if they're new

Memories imprinted into my dark walls

Our laughter echoes in the empty halls

How fortunate that you and I have met

Our chance meeting Fate had let

The blood in my veins race within

The breath in my lungs cycle out and in

Summer nights have come and gone

Our souls melted into one

Winter storms have left their scars

My heart has turned to stone

Now the stars don't seem to shine no more

The caves no longer contain gold ore

All earth's colors have faded grey

Immersing myself in sorrow if I may

Your actions are in the making

And already my heart has stopped beating

Oh the things you do to me

Why is it that only now I see

Since the start they said it won't last

Time since then has gone so fast

What we did you say is blurry

And now it's mine to bear for eternity

Made it in the sunlight

Made it in the moonlight

You and I were in one dimension

Was it all some sort of illusion

Just decided to write a poem. It's been a while since I wrote something like this haha. I actually surprised myself. It's good know that I've still got it in me.

Blogging

When I first ever started blogging, I had used Xanga. Anyone still uses that raise up your hands! But I think a year later I moved to Blogger. And during these times, I wrote about my life, and literally, my life. I wrote about what I did, conversations I had, emotions I felt, thoughts I had... You get the idea.

And years later, I'm here. Blogger has evolved A LOT since the first time I used it. But it has definitely become much better :) I look forward to its future developments. I started justablogurl as a place for me to actually blog properly, to discuss certain matters. But my 17-year-old mind seems to be limited to only the knowledge I have obtained in the 17 years of my life. I don't read the newspaper or watch the news on television so that could be a reason why I don't know so many things and can't find good topics to discuss about.

Being more of a literature-focused person and the lateral thinker that I am, I am most likely to write about random things (such as this topic now!), poetry, books, theatre, or movies :)

Mmm, I have no idea where this post is leading to actually. Haha

But then I guess it makes you think... What exactly is blogging? What does one actually write about? And why?

One word: BUSY.

It seems like life has never been harder.

I have so much work and responsibilities thrown at me that sometimes I don't think I can manage everything. I'm trying to balance friends, family, religion, studies, and sleep. (Yes I can live without food lol)

Everything is so tough right now. Essays after essays. Assignment after assignment. Project after project. And it all comes to the Predicted Grades. Oh my gawd.

I envy people who are already working. I envy people who are in college. I envy people who are retired and just living somewhere in the middle of a forest, waiting to die of old age.

And yet, I know that when I'm them, I'll miss the days when I'm studying. When everyday I come to school and see my friends. When everyday I smile and laugh with them, sharing jokes that no one else would understand. When everyday I meet that one person to will make my day. When everyday I don't have to worry about money, taxes, the economy, bankruptcy, how much money is in my bank or how much I can spend.

Is this what we are all left to? To worry about life in terms of it's materialistic-ness (I can't seem to remember the right word for it right now)? I pity the human race for being reduced to worry about the NOW only. It's rather sad. Money isn't everything. Trying to survive is not the only thing to worry about.

And I would love to continue about this but then it would end up with me talking about religion and all that... when I should be working on my Business IA at the moment. Another time then.

Plane Rides

Singapore --> Frankfurt
I am glad I don't need to take the puke pills now. I used to puke my guts out on planes if I eat anything or drink anything.?Then I'll be dehydrated and severely hungry by the end of the ride.
One day I was puking as usual when an air stewardess offered a pill to me. Ever since then, my mother has been giving me the pills everytime before I board the plane. Firstly, they make me sleepy so that I'll sleep on the plane ride. And they helped me start to actually eat something on the plane. I still avoided consuming liquids too much though.
So this time, this will be the first long-distance ride I am taking without the pills. And I am glad I was not the least bit nauseous :)?This is quite an improvement I have to admit haha
Since it was a midnight flight, we had supper! It was optional, but there was beef steak on the menu. And if you didn't know, I eat steak when I can haha. I am simply addicted to steak. But no worries, it's a mild addiction :P
Lookin at the drinks menu, I also decided to go wild for a litle while.

Let me list some of them out here:
Aperitifs: Campari, Dry Vermouth
Spirits: Cognac Otard VSOP, Johnnie Walker Red Label, Jim Beam Black Label Whisky, Gordon's Dry Gin, Smirnoff Red Label Vodka, Bacardi Superior
Liqueurs: Cointreau, Baileys Original Irish Cream
Cocktail: Singapore Sling, Alspritizer, Screwdriver, Bloody Mary

And after tasting Cointreau over Project Week, I have decided to try it out again. The air stewardess came back with a plastic cup half-filled with ice, and the slightly cloudy Cointreau in it.
Just to prepare myself for what I was about to consume, I took a whiff of it first. The stench of alcohol literally hit me in the face and I swear my nose twitched! It has been about 3 months since I last drank anything alcoholic. Over Project Week it had been almost every night.
I took a sip and savoured the lemony taste in my mouth. Letting the drink slide over my tongue before I eventually swallowed it. I found myself tilting my head back and eyes half-closed in enjoyment of the drink. It was really good and I missed the taste haha. I would have tried Black Russian again but they didn't have any so I had to make do with Cointreau.
When I finished the shot, I felt a slight pinch in my brain but it was fine. I had warmed up after the drink and that was all that mattered at that moment. The plane was really cold and I thought it would help warm me up, and it did. Funny how I was drinking a cold drink to warm up.
I sighed and I smelled the alcohol in my breath. Lemony. Hahaha
I thought it would've helped me sleep too. But that didn't happen I'm afraid. I couldn't fall asleep because my head just kept falling from side to side. I blew up my travelling pillow and put it around my neck, but that didn't really help either because my breathing sort of got cut off and I'd probably have died from suffocation in my sleep. I tossed, turned, but there wasn't much space to do any of that either. It was torture for me.
In the end, I managed to sleep for about 3-4 hours, and waking up several times in between. 2 passengers next to me had to go to the toilet and since I sat next to the aisle, they had to wake me up. The man next to me always tapped my knees haha.
Sitting next to these 2 passengers was fun. The girl next to the window is Indonesian too, and apparently her sister is also going to Brown summer school for a medical course! And she herself graduated from UWCSEA in 2008! So coincidental! It was actually pretty cool. And so we started talking about teachers, lessons, and the system. And she told me how her acne became worse in Grade 12. She mentioned her parents scolding her about her acne condition and I told her mine were too. We literally high-fives haha. "Those typical Indonesian parents you know? All about the face," I said. "Yes yes omg!" she replied. Hahaha
Afterwards, about 9 hours later into the flight, I was watching the Cinderella on Ice video on my iPod. I looked straight ahead and saw a man with Macbook Pro. And from the quality of the video, I could tell that he was watching a pirated version of Avatar haha. I wonder if he knew that the plane is showing Avatar on one of the channels of its in-plane televisions.
A kid across the aisle from me had an iPad. That was the first time I actually saw one up close. Haha
So on the plane ride, I finally watched Shutter Island, and Valentine's Day. Shutter Island was good, but not as good as I had hoped it to be. Valentine's day was rather predictable. I can't say that it's a good movie, and it's stupid. Sure some parts are quite sweet and with further analysis, you could take home some values and lessons from it. Then again, you can do that with almost any movie. But the values are especially about love and relationships, and I guess it's pretty useful...
So basically, other than the lack of sleep, and the sudden stench of human faeces that came up out of the blue, I had a good time on the plane to Frankfurt :) my mother was sitting in a class above mine, hence I could order the shot of Cointreau haha. Definitely making use of the little chances of freedom I can get :P?

Frankfurt --> New York
The first meal this time was breakfast. So I could not possibly ask for an alcoholic drink for breakfast haha.
I have just watched Dear John and I see a lot of similarities in my life. Sort of. I seem to like this movie even though I know it's those typical Nicholas Sparks sappy love stories that make you cry. And yet sometimes I find myself drawn to these movies. Of course it is always for a reason, and there will always be one person, out of many, that stands out in my mind as I watch these movies. The person could be from my past, or present, or both sometimes.
And I just happen to be able to connect so well to the characters every single time. Then again, I'm a sensitive soul. And I've gained, I've lost. I've been the dumper and the dumpee. I've been the active and the passive. I've been mended and torn. I've been through them all. It seems as if I watch these sad stories on purpose to remind me of the feelings I have felt in the past. Goodness, I have some moving-on issues. Not good.
Before I watched How To Train Your Dragon, Mutiara started talking to me again. We were about halfway to New York. That was good! We were joking about movies shown on the plane and how some were pretty outdated already. Haha
Back to the movie, it was rather cute haha a nice home movie to watch with children. It wasn't too bad. Reminds me a lot of Avatar though, the part when they started flying on the birds.
Then I guess I decided to watch some Asian movie. And so I picked a Korean one... Le Grand Chef: Kimchi Battle 2. Looking at all the different types of Kimchi made me really hungry. It felt like I could smell the food already. Luckily, the air stewardess gave me a pack of peanuts and a cup of apple juice. It satiated my hunger for awhile haha.
Afterwards, we did have more food. I had some chicken with pasta while I was watching Tooth Fairy. I had no idea what to watch on tv anymore. And so I just chose some random movie. The movies actually annoy me, I just watch them to hopefully pass the time. Mutiara was painfully counting down the hours, and I was immersing myself with movies and food to get myself distracted lol.
You have no idea how happy I was when the pilot's voice came onto the speakers to make the announcement that we were commencing our descent. The words "OH YES! FINALLY!" were just screaming in my head over and over again haha. Basically, I sat for about 18 hours, and I was relieved that it was over!!
However, I still had that short flight to Boston from New York. Yikes.

New York --> Boston
I was riding on Jet Blue. And it was really cool! Yes the plane was small but it had really comfortable leather seats and there was a tv for everyone. The stewardesses were also very funny and warm people so that was good.
And it happened to be the same day of the Fifa World Cup competition where it was S.Korea against Uruguay. Fortunately, the plane had satellite television too! You have no idea how happy I was! I was rooting for South Korea all the way till I had to get off the plane haha
The flight was short, so there was not much to do. But I'm glad that I didn't miss the match :)

A Response Paper

After reading Andre Breton’s Nadja, I am rather fascinated by the use of the character of Nadja to portray a Surrealist lifestyle. In the novel, Nadja is “the soul in limbo”, and the narrator has taken her for “a free genius.” What intrigues me is about how she is considered to be very free, and yet she ended up in an asylum. In other words, she may be living a free life, but to authority figures, she is a danger to society. In my opinion, Breton is somehow saying that the freedom of imagination is a threat to authority figures.

The government has forced too many ideas upon the individuals that they can no longer think for themselves. And when individuals stand out from the rest with their own interesting way of living, authority thinks that it is due to some mental illness or madness, or try to make it look like it is. By locking Nadja up in an asylum, the authorities are either trying to actually cure her insanity, or they are simply trying to prevent her from influencing others. The narrator in the novel says, “Unless you have been inside a sanitarium you do not know that madmen are made there, just as criminals are made in our reformatories.” It makes me think that sometimes, people are put into asylums simply because the authority wants to find fault in them.

Looking at this from another angle, we can see that Surrealism IS a rebellion against authority. It is not a physical rebellion, but a mental rebellion. Surrealism is based on the mental battle against the forced and habitual thoughts constructed by the government or authority figures. However, if we practice a Surrealist lifestyle too freely, we will be considered to be different in a bad way rather than good.

Heart and Mind

It has definitely been a while since I have written anything. I guess the idea to start blogging properly isn't exactly working. What did they call it, the writer's block? It is so hard to come up with a good topic to write about. Maybe that's why I put this title down, "Heart and Mind". our hearts and minds mainly affect what we do or say in our everyday lives. Well, in my opinion at least.

Haven't you ever had the situation where your heart tells you one thing but your mind tells you another? I'm sure everyone has been through those type of situations more than once in their lives. I have a thought, how can your heart tell you to do anything? It's a lump of muscle that is not even in the centre of your chest; it beats to pump blood to all parts of your body so that you can function properly. How can' it tell us what to do? And yet we, as humans, relate to what our heart tells us. But how does it tell us?

On the other hand, our minds are also organs... Brains to be specific. We usually associate rationality with our brains rather than our hearts. But what gives our heart the right to be associated with the emotions and not the brain? Our brains seems like the most important organ because of its rational-thinking capabilities. Wouldn't that make it the more important organ compared to the heart? So why follow the heart?

Sometimes when we are in a dilemma, people tell us to "follow your heart". But there are occassions when following your heart will not produce the best outcomes but instead, the worst. And yet, we feel that we like it more than the more "right and proper" way of the decisions made by our brain. How odd isn't it, the lump of muscle that beats in our chest, seems to be regarded as the inferior decision-maker in our lives. When it is in fact THAT lump of muscle that each of us rely on to survive and live through another day.

Shouldn't our hearts be given more credit? We should listen to it even though it's logically and scientifically impossible for our hearts to be able to speak. Deep inside, our hearts know what is right for every one of us human beings. And if only people listen to their hearts more often, this world would probably be a much more comfortable place. Granting mercy for others who have done wrong, and building a world on love and compassion would be good.

Of course, one might argue that if everyone follows their heart, people would also die becase your heart might tell you to kill someone you really really hate... Which I fear might just happen to me at that moment. And yet in these situations, our mind is the one that prevents us from doing something stupid that we will end up regretting about for the rest of our lives...

Well, I guess, if we are to consider that situation, then we should listen to our minds. But, we should learn to listen to our hearts more often...

Always Here

The wavering of your voice
I'll be here
The shifting of your eyes
I'll be here
As you do not dare to look at me
I'll be here
My arms envelope you
I'll be here
Then your arms are around my shoulders
I'll be here
The shudders through your body
I'll be here
The shakes as you let go
I'll be here
Let go of your worries
I'll be here
As the droplets land on my sleeve
I'll be here
My arms wrap around tighter
I'll be here
I'll be here
I'll wipe your tears away
I'll swipe your fears away
I'll bring you through
I'll carry you through
Through it all
Through it all

As your tears stain my sleeve
I'm still here
I feel your rhythmic breathing
I'm still here
You've got more days ahead of you
I'm still here
It's not over yet
I'm still here
But even if you think it is
I'm still here
Girl, I'm still here
I'll wipe your tears away
I'll swipe your fears away
I'll bring you through
I'll carry you through
Through it all
Through it all

Change

Quite a number of things have happened the past week.

I went to Xiamen, China, with 3 other friends and it was for CAS purposes. The school called it Project Week.

It's interesting how my Project Week was a group who hardly knew each other from the beginning, and planned for the minimum days required to complete the hours so that we could maximize the time for revision for the upcoming exams. But when the week was over, we wished we had extended the trip. Not only were we going to miss the people at the home, but we also missed whatever we were going there! If it weren't for the exams in 2 weeks, I think we would've just booked new plane tickets.

Over at Xiamen, China, we went to a place called Hongri Yanglao Apartment. It's basically an old folks' home. I think we had all expected the place to be rather well-run, and the folks would be rather mobile. We intended to plan to lead some exercise classes for the elderly... But man were we wrong...

We were greeted with an old dust-covered place. Traces of smoke lingered in the air. Old folks were either sitting and watching tv, or sitting and staring into space. The windows had stains of rain water, and the walls had mould and shit (pardon the language) that came out of nowhere. They looked like bird poo, but it was indoors... and there were no birds to be seen. So it must've been from worms... Or insects of some sort. I was quite horrified by the condition of the place... And the silence was rather... shocking... I expected the place to be sort of bustling with life... And the air filled with the chatter or gossip of the old ladies. What I saw was nothing of that sort. The elderly looked bored, or simply put, they looked like they were literally wasting away. Their eyes showed signs of their lives and youth having been drained away over the years.

Realizing that whatever we had planned was not going to work out unless we actually started to get to know the people there, we decided to split up the group.
The boys, Ian and Richard, started cleaning up the walls since their mandarin skills were not as good as Christina's and mine. We then went to the basement to interact with some of the old folks there.

I made friends with an 88-year-old man whose hair had turned snow white. In the beginning, he didn't really want to talk to me. But another old lady told him to tell me about his life, and his family or children. His eyes were brown and glazed over. When he smiled, you could see his gums no longer held those pearly whites he had years ago. He told me about life back then when he was young. He had to carry those sand bags that weighed 40kg, up a hill. And he had to carry 10 bags up that hill. 400kg in total. He said they also had to work 8 hours a day in order to earn their pay which was not more than 100RMB. That was during Mao's rule... Halfway, he took out a cigarette and actually asked me whether he could smoke. I just told him to go ahead. Surprising that even though he's so old, he can still smoke and LIVE for so long. He told me he had 4 children. 3 sons and 1 daughter. I asked if they visited him often. Surprisingly enough, he told me they visit him regularly every week, taking turns each day. And that was how I got to know him. He also asked certain questions about Singapore, and asked me to compare Singapore to Xiamen. I told him my opinions on certain things and he agreed. He said that even though Singapore is a good place to live in, it is very expensive. For China, everything is cheap! I absolutely agreed with that :)

On the second day, I accompanied Christina with an old lady sitting on a portable toilet. The sight itself was slightly disturbing to me in my opinion. When we took a picture with her, I had to make sure none of her body parts were exposed in the photo since it would be made public for CAS purposes. Christina and I got to know that she has 3 children, and that she suffered from a stroke. She told us her feet hurt, and so I offered to massage them for her. After I was done with her right foot and leg, I reached for the left one but she stopped me and told me it was enough. She said her left leg hurt and she did not want to touch it. A rather sad state she was in actually. Well, at least I knew I massage well! I had also massaged her hands... especially paying more attention to the side that suffered the stroke.

I also got to know another old man who is 84 this year. This was during the 3rd day of work. For the past 2 days, I had seen him sitting there. Every time he saw us, he would smile and wave. And every time before we left the home for the day, he would wave once more. I just felt compelled to get to know him! And so on the 3rd day, I finally mustered up the courage to take the initiative to speak to him. Apparently, he suffers from Alzheimer's. When I was sitting next to him, he asked me,"have you eaten?" 6 times within 5 minutes. When I asked him what his age was, he shook his head and for a moment there I thought he was going to cry. His voice started breaking and he was heaving. He told me he was 44... And of course I didn't believe him because he looked like he was over 70 at least. It was the Head Lady who told me that he was 84 this year. Apparently, he is a man from Shanghai who married a Xiamen lady. I pity him. It was rather obvious that he was lonely. A nurse came over and told me that he needs so much help, he is practically like a big baby. The more the nurse described the man's actions to me, the more I felt sad for him. I wanted to just stay there and accompany him for the whole day! I just helped him finish his banana and clean him up a bit.

During the other times when I am not busy interacting or accompanying an elderly, I join Ian and Richard to clean up the home. I felt that not only do we have to make the people in the home feel more "loved", we should leave a "mark" on the home itself so that they can remember how we helped them. And so we bought a broom, a dustpan, some cloths, window cleaner, toilet cleaner, and scrubbers for the toilets. We polished the windows, the glass cabinet, and the glass panels on the stairs. We "scrubbed" the mould and shit off the walls, and swept the floors.

We realized that people in China, in general, take afternoon naps. They do not work very hard either. Apparently, the schools and even the elderly have naps after lunch before they continue with their daily activities again. And so we used that time to get even more things done around the home. And even when we worked, we had elderly people coming up to us to tell us to take a break and not work too much so that we do not get too tired. What I felt compelled to say was,"I'm sorry but we are still young." Then I considered that that was really rude... and as a Chinese person myself, I know that we should show respect to the elderly at all times. And so I did by just telling them politely that we are not tired.

On the last day, I had my last conversation with the old friend I met on the first day. He was lying on his bed. He wished my friends and me a safe journey/flight back to Singapore. He told me to share my experience with my friends when I get back. He told me we should discuss the issue of children sending their parents to homes and whether that is a good thing or not. He said that sure, he does not have to cook for himself, or wash his own clothes. But every parent wants to see their children. Some children send their parents to homes, and only send money over once a month. Every parent has painstakingly brought up their children, so it is our turn to take care of them when they grow old instead of throwing them into a home. I took down everything he was telling me because I knew he is so much older than I am, and he knows so many things. It's only right that I take in what I can from an older person. Like they say, the old are wise.

As much as I wanted to stay and listen to him tell me about the old days, his life, his opinions about living and how I should live my life, I had to leave because it was my group's last day there. Before I left, he told me that if I ever visited Xiamen again, I have to visit the home, but by that time he may not be around anymore. That statement really nearly brought me to tears. I wanted to cry but I couldn't cry! I held his hand and told him I will always remember him. And the smile he gave me then was so heartwarming I didn't know whether to smile or to cry. I can say one thing, I have become attached to the home, and especially to this man. I will definitely miss him.

And sure, this experience of Project Week, things did not really go according as planned. My group did not organize or lead activities for the residents of the home. But what we did certainly helped them. Just over the 4 days, they hardly had any visitors... Less than 5 visitors actually. By having us around the home, it was something new to them. Some would ask where we were from, and ask about the living conditions in Singapore. Apparently, a majority of them have heard of Singapore, and some of them have been there before! Seeing that most of the Chinese immigrants in the world are from Southern China, I was not at all surprised.

And I can say that my group adapted to the conditions very well. The day before we started working, we used some free time to drop by at the home to introduce ourselves and to remind them that we will be volunteering at the home for the next 4 days. And immediately, we knew most of the residents were not very mobile. It would be hard to even ask them to move their hands. They were wearing thick jackets to keep themselves warm. Some were bed-ridden. Some needed aa nurse to carry them to and fro. In the end, we agreed that we would just simply interact and speak with them, and clean up the place. We had managed to clean up the place. Most of the mould on the walls were cleaned off. The windows were as clear as we could make them, and the glass panes on the spiral staircase were shining as good as new.

If I ever go back, I'd definitely visit that home again. And I will look for that one old friend from this project week :)

A New Start

Probably no one knows I have this blog now.



BUT.



I intend to start blogging "professionally" because my sister had suggested that to me. Which also means, OUT with the text language like "coz" or "btw" or "sth". I shall start to type in full words... Of course, "lol", "rofl" and "lmao" are the exception :)



I will start to post about more general stuff in the future. :) Till then!